Learning to do nothing
At the start of this year I made the decision to live my life with complete trust, trust in my intuition and inner guidance, and trust in life to always have my back. To let go of the control that has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I wanted to learn to just allow things to flow naturally. That is still my intention.
And things were looking pretty good to start with. I had been thinking at the end of last year about selling my business. I had no idea if it was even possible or if anyone would want to buy it, but I was being called to do other things so the idea stayed at the back of my mind. A few months later I had an urge to list it for sale, a spur of the moment thought. So I did, it turned out there was interest, it was possible after all. I sold it not long after.
While being mindful of keeping things slow and flowing rather than pushing I started bringing my ideas together only to find that the inspiration, and the motivation was no longer there. I started to panic, thinking that I needed to do certain things at a certain time to get to where I wanted to go, to make my new ideas a success. I needed a website, social media presence, products and online courses. Before I knew it I was getting back into old habits of pushing and controlling. I believe that this has become such a natural state of being for so many of us. Life, particularly in large cities, seems to be saturated in this go go energy that is hard to escape. Even a 5 minute scroll through your facebook page can make you feel like you are behind and if you don’t get on top of things you will never make it.
Thankfully life had other ideas in store for me, and not long after I found out I was pregnant.
My life literally stopped. I had only enough energy to look after my toddler and after that all I could do was lie on the couch. I felt nauseous all of the time for those first 2 months. I went completely off food. And I was so incredibly tired
I could literally do nothing. My two work days, when my mum looked after my son, were spent on the couch. My regular late nights of working on the computer became impossible. Looking at computer screens made me dizzy and I was much too tired to think let alone to be building a new website and posting legible content on my Instagram page.
As tired as I was I still, of course, had the energy to stress about all the things that I should be doing that I wasn’t able to do. My mind was conjuring up all kinds of crazy scenarios. I thought that I would feel this way forever and never be able to do anything for myself again. I don’t like doing nothing. I am always doing something.
So lying on my parents couch for a whole day was very uncomfortable. But as time went on I realised that it was needed. Very needed for so many reasons. Life was weaving its glorious magic and I was finally catching up.
I of course needed all of this rest as my body adjusted to the changes that come with a new pregnancy. That become my number one priority, listening to my body and what it needed, and learning slowly to trust that it would be ok. That I needed this time of stillness, slowness and nothingness and that the time for more would come when I was ready for it.
And as I sunk into doing nothing I realised the other layers to this stage of my life, and over the weeks these are the lessons that unfolded;
Although this little babe growing inside me was very much planned, it could not have come at a more perfect time. Had it been even a week or 2 earlier I would have been in the midst of crazy busy and intense business hand over. I would not have coped.
This beautiful stage of early pregnancy where I could do nothing, allowed me the time and space to fully process the loss of my business. To allow me to absorb what it meant for me and for my future. I had been heading back into old habits of control and overwork and didn’t even stop to allow myself to rest and process.
It forced me to really feel into trust, and in doing so to finally let go of control and just go with the flow.
I stopped thinking about my new business ideas and all the things I felt I had to do that I wasn’t doing. I let it all go and stepped into trust of knowing that it would all work out when the time was right.
I focused on looking after myself, allowing my body the time it needed to do what it needed to do. I trusted that it knew best.
And after a while I started getting new ideas and new inspiration. I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night with thoughts that needed to be written down, something that used to happen frequently but had been blocked out by all the noise, and stress and control of running my business.
This time of rest and nothing reaffirmed my desire to really do things differently this time. When I first started my business all those years ago I had no idea what I was doing. This time I knew what worked for me and what didn’t. And most importantly I knew what life and business I wanted to create and how to do it. I just needed the time and space to let go of old habits so that new inspiration could come to the surface.
I used to be so afraid of doing nothing. Feeling that it was a waste of time and unproductive. In reality it is such an integral part of the creative process. It was such a vital lesson to learn as part of my intention of living in trust and flow.
Allowing things to happen as they naturally should means that the need for control, pushing and struggle is eliminated.
In the last month my energy has returned and with it my motivation. All those things that seemed so difficult at the beginning, are taking me no time at all, because now is the right time to be working on them.